Thanks-Giving

A message from Rhonda Byrne, Creator of The Secret:

The greatest thief of human happiness and abundance is ungratefulness. Any lack in our lives - whether in money, health, or relationships - is simply the evidence of a lack of gratitude. If you focus on lack you are not being grateful, and that will bring more lack into your life. Yet the simple state of radiating gratitude summons everything to you.

No matter who you are or where you are, you can change your life with gratitude, but you must feel it with your whole heart and radiate it from every cell. Gratitude is not a mental exercise, and in fact, if you simply use your mind for gratitude it will have little or no power. True gratitude comes from your heart! You must think gratitude through your heart, speak gratitude through your heart, and feel it intensely in your heart.

Then practice gratitude relentlessly. As you practice gratitude you will attract more thoughts and feelings of gratitude. In a short time your entire being will be saturated with it, and you will experience a happiness that is beyond what you can imagine. This is what is ahead for you when you choose gratitude as your way of life. And if you can really live in this highest state of gratitude, you will never have to ask for anything. Everything you want will be given to you before you even ask, because gratitude is the magnetic substance that opens every single door in the Universe.

I know some people don't believe that thought is creative and all that, but I do. In The Molecule Of Emotion, Dr. Candace Pert - who discovered the opiate receptor in the 1970's, proves it.

Right now, sitting here in hot, tropical Phuket where Thanksgiving is any other day, it seems wierd that everybody at home is about to celebrate a major holiday, I must admit.

And I really want to point out that I'm grateful for my friends, my family, the fact that I'm here in Thailand right now, and for all the experiences that have made me who I am today. I wanted to go through each and every person and experience, and express my gratitude, and maybe I will soon, but right now I am just not feeling it. I really hope it's hormonal, but part of it is because I try to be a really generous and giving friend to others, and right now I feel pretty alone in the world, and pretty frightened in terms of shelter and finances upon my return to the states, quite frankly.

Before coming here, some of the people I trusted most in this world and whom I gave everything to --- we were virtually FAMILY and I quit my jobs, health benefits and home to help them with their dream ---- pretty much used me and mistreated me after 4 years of devotion and friendship, along with others, and it was a shock and a heartbreaking experience. A knife in the heart. I give so much, it feels, and earnestly. I'm the fool who would do anything for anybody, bend over backwards, give the shirt off my back, etc.

And I don't run around expecting stuff from others, but when I see people who have a million friends who would do the same for them or who have family members who support their dreams and don't judge them, just love them and offer support, I'm a bit envious, I freakin admit it. I see so many young adults here because their parents think it's so important that they have life experiences and see the world, and I'm already working towards the day my nephew can share such a cool experience, and then some, because it's true. But I don't come from that background at all, and so I feel like a late-bloomer although there are many thirty-year olds out here (and hey, even if there weren't, I look twenty-four, lol!) But that's okay and I understand that; they didn't come from that background either, and I grew up with a lot of other amenities that most of the world doesn't have, which I appreciate. And there's something awesome about earning your trip yourself, nothing against anybody who has been given the opportunity and wasn't dumb enough to pass it up, LOL!

But what doesn't kill me makes me stronger and I certainly am not going to start being less warm or friendly because even if I try, I honestly can't. I need to remember not to rely on others, period, it seems. And yet no man is or can be an island. I meet and connect with people, whether online or in person, a lot. And I know it's a gift. But right now, I feel totally alone for some reason and like I'm living life all wrong, apparently, a feeling that I hate.

As of right now and recent updates, I'm pretty much now broke (in a morbid twist of fate, although my grandpa actually surprisingly insisted on helping me out with my dreams twenty times in just one conversation, his dementia caused him to forget, doh! But absolutely forgiveable - just ironic!), I'm homeless/crash-padless upon returning to the states, jobless (which I knew I would be and can hopefully manage; but my resume is stuck on MS Word and my computer's version is frozen, which ISN'T GOOD), and now I'm even Christmasless, meaning nowhere to even spend the friggin Holidays, which is just fine, I suppose, but kind of sucks, yeah, I admit.

Hell, I even had to finally invite myself to my own relative's Christmas, even though it's in New York so I likely won't be taking the train so soon after arriving to Oregon but very well could and was excited about the possibility because it could be quite doable, but then when I mentioned visiting around then at least three separate times, saying I was likely moving out of the country indefinitely shortly thereafter and wanted to see my grandpa for likely the last time, no later than Januaryish, nobody could even say "Hey, we're ALL going to be having Christmas here, your brother and nephew are flying out, why don't you come too?!" I had no idea until someone else told me......

Isn't that what family does? Then when you invite yourself, like I finally did, it's all, "Of course you'd be welcome to come", but nobody just tells you about it to even begin with, and by then you just feel like a dipshit for having to invite yourself. WTF? I could cry right now just thinking of that alone. How humiliating, honestly. And I'd still go in a heartbeat if I could, because I really DO want to have stronger family relationships - I'm tired of the past, too. But I'm just so tired of doing whatever I'm doing in my friendships and family relationships wrong, because I clearly am, and yet I don't know what it even is.

I sent out a 3-line email to my family in light of the whole Jennifer Hudson family murder just telling my immediate family that life is precious and that I love them. My aunt, my cousin, my brother, my mom and my dad. And nobody responded at all. Is that normal? I feel like such a leper even though I KNOW that they do in fact love me, and I know that just because people don't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you. So, it's all good and I don't want anyone to take this personally and maybe this is all because I'm so many thousands of miles away (right now and when I wrote that email) but I'm just trying to understand some things here about life is all, some things I just don't get. It takes two seconds to respond with an "I love you too", you know? Am I wrong?

I'm happy to be in Thailand, and am hopeful I'll be returning soon. I honestly cannot wait, its just a matter of finances. I found a sport I love that is mentally and physically challenging, and I want to continue working on my health and can do so here, especially with the abundance of fresh foods and sunshine. Moreover, I feel inspired to do so here. I want to work on my running and I can eat healthier here. I love muay thai, and I want to continue building on the strength I've acquired while here. I've had my ups and downs here, and faced some demons, but I've grown from them and you can expect that to happen when you do something like this - it's a good thing; a topic I'll write more about at a separate time. Honestly, I've spent so much time feeling like death, which lead me to such important information and powerful lessons but was pretty rough to go through, to be honest, that I know I need to do this for myself. I'm not finished yet in Thailand.

I am grateful for so much, but am just not feeling it today, oddly enough. So I'm sad. I feel really fat and bloated so I don't want to eat anything, and I just wish I had my Vitamix and a sink right now so I could at least make a shake easily enough; or could do my 3 week Blessed Herbs whole body cleanse - which now I cannot do until I have a place to at least crash for a few weeks, so I guess it'll have to wait.

I feel tired so I don't want to train but I will, especially considering I slept through yesterday and the day before's afternoon sessions, which stinks and makes me feel like shit but is clearly what my body needed. Besides, it's not like I did nothing on those days, either. Maybe I can nap. If I can and do now, I doubt I'll train, though.

AND all this will pass. It always does, and everything happens just as it should even if we don't know why yet. And at least I'm thankful for that. And thanks of course for reading, if you did. I'm not looking for a pity party or anything, trust me, I'm just being honest and sometimes I just need to write it out. I'm not asking for anything, trust me!

I can figure out the job and finances, I'm a smart girl, and even from living in my car and on foodstamps if I have to if it means getting back here sooner; It's just the people thing that gets me every time. Maybe we're all just so screwed up from first-world society, you know? I've pondered that. Certainly feels that way at times, I must say, and Lord knows I'm not perfect. But I'm very self-aware, to the point of being very hard on myself. And I do treat my friends and loved ones like gold, I know that. Maybe too good. And not good enough to myself. Who knows. Too much thinking at this point, and not feeling like a very warm and fuzzy topic.

To all my loved ones, just know I love you. Even if we're way different, whatever. It's all good, deep down, and the rest will figure itself out. I'm still grateful...............and know that I'm lucky to have you all in my life, because every single one of them is a hero of mine, from my Aunt to Aubrieanne to Ti to Shmacks, Lisa, Sharon Mullin & my mom ("my 2 moms") to my brother, nephew and allllllllll the rest of you. This post is not about you, it's about me. Know that. And have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Peace.